As Seen on TV

I walked to the store for spaghetti, crushed tomatoes, and mushrooms. It was a very specific list because I am on a very specific budget. I had NO IDEA that there was an As Seen On TV aisle.  I was not prepared.
My mind knew better to venture down that amazingly bright and compelling lane.  My mind KNEW it would be mesmerized by  the shiny new gadgets that the overly eager, coked up sales guys on late night infomercials assure me are the solutions to all my life’s problems!…yes. My mind knew that I shouldn’t waste my time.  Unfortunately, I have the feet of a five year old sometimes, and they decided that since you only live once, what the hell?
And OH what a bounty of absolutely useless machines that I shouldn’t live without did I behold!  The slap chop!!!! The Magic Bullet kitchen magician AND it’s biggest competitor, the Ninja! For all my chopping ,dicing,and whipping needs! Some awesome curl-your-hair-in-a-bucket-air blower thingie! A pocket hose! I don’t even have a regular hose!  The Hair Genie! I don’t  know what the hell that is, but who doesn’t need a genie for their hair!  Honest to God, I was hypnotized. Under some weird infomercial mind meld because I looked at the time and forty minutes had passed.  I thought, well I really should buy something from this magical place, otherwise I wasted a whole chunk of time and that’s just irresponsible…And then I remembered the time I ordered my Grams some magic potato peeling gloves off an infomercial.  I was so excited when I ordered them that I couldn’t stop talking about it! Groundbreaking technology that allows you to peel vegetables with the ease of simply rubbing them between your hands turned out to be a pair of over-sized rubber garden gloves with a few bumps on the palms that peeled away nothing more than a layer of my pride.   So, my mind trumped my feet today and I made no purchases from that shiny aisle of lies.  Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me and all.